


Sweet, Tender

by nimery



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Canon Related, Character Study, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Post-Anime, Romantic Thoughts, Suicidal Thoughts, post-manga
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2016-01-26
Packaged: 2018-05-15 15:39:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5791126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nimery/pseuds/nimery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gon thinking about <em>things</em>. Mostly Killua.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sweet, Tender

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CielPhantomhive](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CielPhantomhive/gifts).



> I'm sorry that everything I write is post-anime.
> 
> Never mind, no I'm not.

The crash of waves against stone filled his head. It was serene. Almost a music. Gulls cried out, and weathered eyes were fixed on the horizon.

The sun was sinking in the sea, painting it red and orange and purple.

But it wasn't beautiful, no. Beauty would be the moon reflected on the water. Beauty would be a hurricane that could sweep him off of his feet.

If only he could be the one to watch that. If only he could feel that, feel his body handled so carelessly by the brutality of nature. Would it heal this weight crushing down on him? He didn't doubt it. The only way to heal the weight had been pain, had been to see his own blood, to tear the wound open again as it healed and feel it sharpen his mind.

And what a feeling that was. That soft gasp of anticipation. It was like his body sighed when the skin was broken, like everything he had been holding in came pouring out through that narrow opening.

He couldn't help but feel as though, after it was all said and done, it was someone else's blood that coated his wrist. He couldn't help but think that maybe he was doing this for all the wrong reasons, that he was breaking some kind of silent vow.

There had been no vow, but he felt as though he was betraying something, someone. Everyone who cared enough.

But none of that mattered, not really. They could all move on. He wasn't that important.

There were rocks below. He'd seen them, he'd grown up playing on them. It would be fitting if his bones broke because of them one last time, if they tasted his blood again.

It would be a nice end, fitting. He could see what could be said about poetic endings. He didn't know if they were real, but they could be, and he figured he knew why.

The boy who grew up with the breath of the island as his own, wearing its dirt as a second skin, ensuring his end while still a boy upon its jagged teeth.

There was a word for that. Killua probably knew what it was. Killua knew lots of things.

He almost wished he could say something. He almost wished he could say one last thing to Killua. Only almost.

He didn't want to be seen like this. He didn't want anyone to be around. Even though he knew Killua would get over it when he did, he didn't want him to actually be there for it. It would weigh too much on him, and he didn't need to go through that.

The only thing he could do was go quietly, unlike how he lived. He knew he was loud, he knew he had hurt a lot of people. His death wouldn't.

He would plummet and let his blood be washed away by the tide, and the people who found out wouldn't care as much as they thought they would.

Ultimately, his life would be the faintest star in the sky. No one would notice it when it was gone. He was the dimmest light, especially when he compared himself to anyone around him.

His father never wanted him. His best friend couldn't even bear being around him. The only person that ever came close to being like a father to him didn't want him around.

People, as fickle as they were, would not miss him, and he would die from the only thing that had ever felt like home to him, nature.

His feet were at the edge, and it would be so easy to shift his weight and tilt himself over the side.

No one really wanted him around anyway. He caused messes everywhere he went, and he was never the person who fixed them. When he had forfeited his own life once before, it hadn't been him who saved it.

In fact, he'd been ready to die. He had been so ready to die, and the fact that he no longer had his Nen was just another way the universe told him that he shouldn't be alive.

He had spent years trying to get it back, but he couldn't. He had been so afraid of being weak that he made it so it was the only thing he could be.

He had gotten used to being weak, but he also felt useless. As though he was no longer worthy to be his father's son. As though he was no longer worthy to be anyone's friend. The only thing he could do in the end was to betray them. That was all. He was capable of nothing else.

He wanted so much to fall. If he fell, maybe all of his problems would fall away with him.

Maybe he would forget all of the times anyone had ever lied to him. Maybe he would forget all of the times anyone had ever used him.

Maybe he'd forget that look from so long ago. Those distressed blue eyes that normally looked at him so gently, but were always so happy. Those blue eyes that had been filled with tears and over flowing. Maybe he could forget that, the first time he'd seen Killua cry, those tears had been for him.

Maybe he could forget everything, all of the times they ever spent together. Maybe he could forget the aversion in Killua's eyes when he had seen him again after waking up.

Maybe the fall would finally get him to forgive himself.

"Gon!"

The sun was almost completely down on the horizon, only a small amount orange remained, even though it was also encased by the violet of the early night.

It seemed poetic to die at night. All of this seemed poetic to him.

"Gon, wait!"

He didn't move from the edge, and didn't know if he wanted to, his mind was conflicted. It had been good idea, such a good idea, but that voice.

It sounded almost like it forgave him. But that was absurd, how could Killua forgive him when he couldn't even forgive himself?

He heard no footsteps, he heard no breaking branches, but he did hear a panting intake of air.

Had he run all of the way from Mito's house?

"This isn't a good thing. You shouldn't be up here. Come back with me." He didn't look, but somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that a hand was reaching out for him.

Those words seemed so fake, so staged. He knew Killua was a liar, but he'd never thought he'd be so cruelly realistic when he did. Everything seemed so real, but something told him it wasn't.

It felt like all of this was a lie. That this was just his mind lying to him, playing tricks on him. For what reason? To punish him? He'd already lived when all he did was destroy everything in his path, wasn't that punishment enough?

"Gon, listen to me." He didn't want to. He didn't want to hear anymore lies. "Mito thinks you'll be back an hour after sundown. Abe is looking forward to tea. And I... I came here to talk to you, so that's what I'm going to do."

He didn't like the tone Killua's voice was taking. It felt too real, too honest. Too much like he actually meant and believed every single word he said.

"I wanted to give you a letter from Wing, and originally, I was going to leave afterwards but... Gon, if you're really thinking that this is a good idea, I want you to know something before you do anything."

It was a good idea, and nothing could change his mind. He was going to jump, and he was going to die, and that would be the end. His story was never going to have a happy ending. He just didn't know that when he started it.

He had been so full of life. He was almost jealous of that child who had an easy smile and never saw good or evil. He now only saw the evil that rested within himself, evil that the world would be better off without. He almost wondered if Killua knew that feeling, though he doubted it.

"Gon... I love you."

The sun was down. Completely. The moon was not yet in the sky. It was not quite dark, and the horizon still had whisps of red tracing the sky near the ocean.

Red was generally a romantic color, he knew that much, but it was also the color of other things. Blood, and what filled one's vision when they were angry. He wasn't sure which the red on the horizon meant.

He wasn't sure if it was telling him that Killua was telling the truth, or if he was lying some more. And what a cruel way to lie, to confess while the other is standing on a cliff. But if it was the truth. There was always that chance.

Sure, Killua could be a liar, but only when it benefited him, and he could always tell when Killua was lying, just by the way he sounded.

Killua believed what he had said. He truly believed that he loved him, and he didn't know if it was just Killua making himself believe a lie, or if he just wanted to believe Killua was lying.

It would be so much easier if Killua was lying. It would be so much easier to just fall if he didn't know that someone loved him.

He didn't know what he wanted to do anymore. He didn't know if it was a good idea, though the rocks still looked inviting. It came down to what he wanted, and it almost felt like it always did. If he jumped, Killua would have to watch. If he didn't, there would be Killua.

"Please, take my hand, Gon."

* * *

His lungs filled rapidly with the cold air that settled in the morning. Eyes opened, and he had to remind himself that he was alive. That it had been a dream.

A dream that he'd had before and would keep having. A dream that could have easily been a memory.

It was too specific, and even though he knew that it wasn't real, it felt real. Everytime, it felt so painfully real, as if the thoughts were actually his, as though it had actually happened, and the dream wasn't a dream but a deeply repressed memory.

He would always be standing on that cliff in Whale Island, and Killua would always run up and confess.

It hadn't been real, but he almost wished it was, vaguely. He wished that he had been sitting on a cliff at sunset with Killua on Whale Island. They had done that, of course, but Killua hadn't confessed then. He wished with the entirety of his being that the confession had come from Killua simply saying it rather than something that happened when he thought they would both die.

Gon hadn't been about to kill himself, rather Killua had been in a fight he felt he couldn't win. He had locked eyes with Gon and confessed.

The tables of the fight had been turned after that, and afterwards, Killua could barely look at him, but it had been a live-or-die situation that had driven him to telling about his true feelings.

He turned, his gaze fixing on the pale figure beside him, illuminated by moonlight.

The pure white light made him appear almost as though he were a sheet of paper, rather than a man. He could see the way Killua's arm curled up beneath the pillow, the way he wore a slight frown as he slept. He could see the way his eyebrows were pulled together.

Gon turned his body carefully to face the pale man. He knew Killua was a light sleeper, so he couldn't touch him, even though his fingers wished so much to slip through those soft, long white locks, to brush over that smooth pale flesh.

Killua was and always had been so utterly beautiful. His eyes, blue as the ocean, with lashes that brushed against his cheeks. His hair that hung over his eyes and gave him a look of fatal perfection. His body, lean and long and powerful and always so graceful and breathtaking.

Gon would think it strange if he didn't want to touch Killua, if he ever found a day where he didn't want to reach out and take his hand or caress his cheek or run his fingers through his hair.

The two had shared many days, from the moment they met to this very moment here in the darkness, Gon had felt like it had always just been the two of them. He knew it wasn't true, but there were some times he liked to forget about.

He liked to forget about the time Killua had cried, and the time Gon hadn't been there when he'd almost died. Plainly, he liked to forget that time six years ago happened, and he liked to focus on what happened after all of that.

He liked to focus on when Killua showed up on Whale Island and there had been all that shouting and the two had fallen to the ground because Gon had thrown himself at Killua. He liked to remember the way Killua's eyes lit up when he saw him and the way he laughed with his entire body. The way he struggled to hold back the tremors. He liked the way Killua had hugged him, though it also felt like a 'I'm so glad we're both still alive' sort of hug. Killua had been full of stories, and he had told them, and they were nothing less than fantastical. However, there always seemed something missing to Gon, and perhaps it was himself, pitching in to add to the story and Killua blushing deeply red when he waxed poetic about something Killua had done.

It was a different kind of beautiful when Killua blushed. Killua was normally very calm and cold, with his blues and whites, but when he blushed, he was something else all together. It softened him, so that he looked as kind as Gon knew him to be. Gon liked to kiss his cheeks when he blushed, which only made him blush harder and stutter out how embarrassing Gon was being, but he didn't mind, because he knew what Killua meant by that.

He knew that for all of the constructed edges, Killua liked him too, and he didn't mind when Gon said those things.

And he had said his fair share of embarrassing things, especially after he found out how Killua felt. It was probably a little mean, but he didn't mean it as teasing Killua. He always meant every word he said.

Gon knew all about the walls Killua had built, and he knew that he had climbed them and that they surrounded the two of them. He had learned when to say something and when not to, and Killua had let him in completely.

He knew the white haired male better than Killua knew himself. He knew what he could talk about and what he couldn't, and he knew that those walls would never be coming down. He was just glad he was finally on the inside of them.

He was glad he could see every side of Killua.

There were times when he could see the darkness itching to come out. He could see those beautiful blue eyes grow empty, and he would reach out to calm Killua. It happened more often than either of them wanted to admit.

Other times, he would catch Killua giving him  _that_ look. The look of utter devotion that was given when the object of that devotion wasn't looking. When he was caught, Killua would blush, and Gon loved that. He loved it when Killua smiled and when he laughed.

Oh, Killua's laugh. That too had different levels. It could be a short burst of pure joy, or it could be a long, drawn-out sarcastically dry chortle. He loved both of them.

What he didn't like was when Killua was distressed, even a glare was better, because a glare showed him that Killua was alright and just irritated. When he was distressed, he wouldn't let the fact show, and if he did, it would be akin to a dam breaking. Gon had seen it a few times, but had only been able to help with the more recent ones.

Killua's shoulders and back had been shaking, his teeth had been clenched, and Gon had finally learned, had finally figured out that when Killua felt, he felt completely, with the entirety of himself. So Gon never doubted the way Killua felt about him. He never doubted the fact that he was loved so wholly and completely and entirely.

And honestly, it made sense to him. Killua had never given up on him, no matter what he did, and he'd done a lot of selfish things. He'd done selfish things, and Killua hadn't turned away.

Gon reached out, suddenly not caring if he woke the other male, and entangled his fingers with those soft white locks, pulling Killua close against his chest, tucking Killua's head beneath his chin.

He heard steady breathing, but no sign that Killua had woken.

He was glad. He liked it when Killua slept close to him because he was actually surprisingly warm. Well, colder than Gon, but warm. The comfortable warmth that reminded him of spring.

Killua's hair was another one of Gon's favorite things. It was long, and hung down to the middle of the male's back. His hair never lost that wild whispy texture, and sometimes, when he tied it back, the puff would come back full force and with a vengeance. His hair was like no others and sometimes looked like blades hanging down his back.

He still had the bangs though, and Gon really loved his bangs.

He liked how some of the locks curled up and were almost like spikes next to his neck. Though it probably shouldn't even be called a neck, it was beyond that, it was a porcelain column.

Gon curled around him, burying his nose into Killua's hair and breathing in his scent.

He loved Killua's scent. It wasn't like anything in nature, and he would have to think hard if he were to come up with anything that was equivalent to it. Simply put, Gon would say that he smelled like Killua, but that wasn't good enough. It was sweet, but not overwhelmingly so. It almost smelled like Aunt Mito's kitchen did on days she made vanilla cake, but there was another layer. It was like someone had taken Mito's cake and stabbed a sword into it.

That was really the only way Gon could describe it. It was sharp and soft, and that kind of odd concoction that all people seemed to have that was both incredible and hard to explain.

Gon didn't know what he'd say if Killua ever asked him what he smelled like. He'd probably leave out the slightly metallic scent, despite how much it made Killua himself. Gon liked to think he could tell a lot about a person from their scent, like Killua said all that time ago about him and Hisoka having the same smell. Even though they didn't, Gon didn't know where he had come up with the idea. The only thing similar between the two was that slight metallic scent, and that was it. And Gon knew that was probably what Killua had been talking about. 

He felt a hand on his chest, but nothing else changed. He disentangled his hand from Killua's hair and let it slip down and rest on the curve of his back.

Killua's hand balled up into a fist, and Gon couldn't keep his mind from wandering toward those long fingers that he knew could become jagged knives but always handled him with such care and gentleness.

His fingers were long and lean, almost the complete opposite of Gon's own. Gon was completely mesmerized by how everything about him seemed to flow together in one symphony.

Killua had always been tall. Even looking at him when they were preteens Gon could have guessed that Killua would grow up to have long legs and arms. Killua always seemed so comfortable in his body, and Gon knew he never had an awkward phase, even when he was growing, and he was growing constantly.

Gon remembered that whenever he'd thought he'd gotten a couple inches on Killua, the next day it would seem like the white haired male had gained those inches on him in his sleep.

Gon was still shorter than Killua, and Gon would always be shorter than Killua, but he didn't really mind. He had a good angle when he looked at Killua, and he wouldn't give it up for the world.

Though, his hair no longer made up for the height difference.

He liked being around Killua. It was more than just fun, as it had been all those years ago.

When they were twelve, Killua had been his first friend. He had been fun to be around. He was still fun to be around, but when he was in the light, when Gon looked at him, 'fun' didn't seem the right word anymore.

He didn't even remember what he used to think of first when he thought of Killua, but now he thought of his eyes.

He could go on and on about Killua's eyes.

When they looked at him, he could nothing to defy them. They were so bright, but could darken at any moment. They captured him so easily, and he could not run. He could not argue.

Come to think of it, the only reason he had ever been able to argue with Killua was that he was not looking into his eyes.

Gon couldn't be selfish when he looked into those eyes. Seeing them was thousands of times more effective then remembering them. His memory never gave them any justice.

They were more than just an ocean. They were the sky when there were no clouds. They were lightning, flashing and quick and sometimes deadly. And Gon loved them because they were more than just blue. Blue didn't cover them. There was too much held in them, from emotion to reason.

Killua's eyes, Gon realized, was just like his scent. It wasn't simply a color; it was just Killua.

The way he moved, the way he spoke, the way he saw the world, the way he thought, it was all just Killua, and it was perfect.

Killua was perfect.

And he always would be, in Gon's eyes. There was nothing Killua could do that would make him think otherwise.

Gon knew it wasn't fair to put him on a pedestal, but he couldn't help himself. Everything about Killua was almost godlike and worthy of every pedestal he had.

He was so glad to be let in. To know Killua's hopes and fears, to hear about what he wanted and what he had been through in his life. To hear about the good times and the bad, to be a confidant.

And Killua told him everything, even things the white haired male wasn't sure he wanted to hear. Gon heard it all, and he remembered it. He remembered everything that Killua said. He remembered that Killua didn't really like grapes, that bees bothered him, that he had not gone back to Padokea since Gon had forced his hand.

Killua had quirks, like the way his hands were always doing something, whether they were in his pockets or behind his head, he didn't just let them hang free.

Everything he did was complex. Killua wasn't simply caring and gentle, like he was with Alluka. He wasn't just subtly seductive and comfortable, like he was with Gon. He wasn't dejected and sarcastic, a side of himself that he reserved for most others. He was all of that at once, and Gon wondered how he could be so many things at once.

He felt that the purest version of Killua, the one that laid at the core of all he'd pretend to be, was a combination of what he was with Alluka and Gon. He seemed the most comfortable like that, at least that was what Gon had observed.

He looked comfortable when he was with Alluka. He had an easy smile and would laugh loudly. He looked comfortable when he was with Gon. When he tore down his shell and let himself be weak. He would rest his head on Gon's shoulder and feel, and Gon simultaneously hated it and loved it. He loved seeing Killua so open, he loved seeing all of him so rawly, but he hated that the rawness came from pain. Other times, Killua would just lay across his legs if he was sitting down. It seemed like a completely natural action, and Gon was sure that Killua didn't mean it to be, but it was kind of sexy, especially when his shirt rode up and showed a little bit of his abs.

There was a time before Killua had confessed to him when Gon couldn't help but wonder what it was like to run his hand down the curve of his spine. What it was like to grab hold of that chin.

He knew that something was wrong, that he shouldn't be having these kinds of thoughts about his best friend, but there they were sometimes, sitting in the back of his head, and he couldn't do anything about them. They'd speak up, asking him what would happen if they were sitting a little closer. They'd ask him what he would do if Killua just suddenly kissed him.

Killua had never just kissed him, but it had been a nice thing to imagine.

He'd imagine Killua leaning toward him and pressing a kiss against the side of his mouth, because then it could progress.

Even though they were both pretty open about the fact that it wasn't just Gon and just Killua, it was Gon  _and_ Killua, the white haired male still seemed careful. If he wanted to get closer, he was hesitant, but Gon always saw that longing in his eyes. He always wondered how Killua restrained himself. Gon probably wouldn't have been able to, and for so long.

Though he supposed in a way, he was restraining himself.

Even though they slept in the same bed, and Killua had confessed, they hadn't gone beyond their comfortable closeness and various kisses on the cheek that Gon had initiated.

It seemed a little weird to Gon. Only a little because he knew how Killua was and never expected to go very fast, but it almost felt like they were at a wall. Well, no not almost. They were at a wall, and Gon didn't know what that wall was.

He just wanted to kiss Killua, without the other drawing back. He wanted to hold Killua's hand in public. He wanted Killua to be comfortable with that kind of thing, instead of drawing back.

Not that he wasn't happy with what they had now. He'd be happy if they were just friends, as long as Killua was around him, but Gon felt as though they were in that purgatory between friends and lovers. They hadn't labeled themselves as "boyfriends," which would be nice. That would be the best thing. Killua didn't label them as anything. They weren't "friends" or "best friends." They weren't "boyfriends" or "lovers." They were "Killua and Gon," and Gon didn't know what to make of that.

He wanted to be not just friends, and he knew that Killua loved him, so more likely than not, he'd be okay with it, but every time he was about to bring it up, the subject would change.

He wondered what would happen if he just grabbed Killua and kissed him.

He ran a risk of being electrocuted, even just barely, but he found himself wanting to risk it. He found himself wanting to rush in with everything he had and never looking back.

He didn't know what exactly he was running into, but whatever it was, it would be worth it. Because whatever it was, it would be with Killua. He wanted to go wherever Killua would take him, do whatever Killua wanted.

Having found and met his father, he could finally focus on the important things. He could focus on everyone he met along the way, and most importantly, on Killua.

And Killua became his favorite person to focus on.

A while back, he'd talked to Bisky, and she'd told him how she compared the two of them to gems that needed to be cut. For a moment, Gon didn't agree with Bisky saying that Killua was like a sapphire, until she started explaining it.

He understood completely. It was more than just a blue gem. It could be so many other colors, but what he thought best suited Killua was not simply a sapphire but a certain kind that Bisky described, the star sapphire. Bisky had showed him a picture of one, and his immediate thought was that it reminded him of Killua.

Like Killua, it was not simply blue. Sometimes the lines that stretched across it reminded him of lightning, but mostly, it looked like a less vivid version of Killua's eyes.

Sometimes, Gon would wonder what Killua saw when he looked at Gon, and what it was that he fell in love with.

Gon liked to think of himself as a pretty self confident guy. He was Gon  _fucking_ Freecs, who had helped save the world from the threat of the Chimera Ants by the time he was fourteen years old. He'd gotten his Hunter License by the time he was twleve and had been able to push two tons of solid stone at the same time. But there was just something in Killua's eyes that told him that it wasn't those things that he loved him for, those superficial things. Knowing Killua as well as he did, he knew it was something deeper than that, and possibly something that he didn't even know.

He felt like it was some intangible part of himself that Killua held onto tightly and refused to tell him about.

Well, Killua would probably tell him if he asked, or he would blush and look away and change the subject like he was apt to doing some days. Even after all these years and all of the time spent with his sister, Killua still had trouble with talking about emotions, which Gon thought was obvious with the way he had ended up saying 'I love you.'

He knew he probably couldn't do anything in order to change the fact, though sometimes it bothered him, like when Killua would realize how closely they were sitting and would shift away.

Gon glanced down to check the cheeks of the male pressed against his chest.

They were deep red, and Gon had to hold back a grin at that.

Killua was pretty predictable sometimes, especially when it came to moments like this. Gon knew he didn't mind physical contact, and that he was only embarrassed when it came to being close. Gon knew it had nothing to do with him, but there was also that fact that they were alone. The sun wouldn't be coming up for another few hours, and the two of them were alone in a dark room.

Gon almost wanted to ask him why he was embarrassed but kept that thought to himself. At least until Killua was giving signs that he was awake, unlike now, where he was simply laying with his eyes closed, possibly rejecting the fact that "awake" was something that he could be.

And if Gon's mind hadn't been startled into motion by that dream, he'd probably be in that place too. But for all intents and purposes, he was awake. His eyes had opened, and he didn't feel tired at all. He couldn't do anything but lie in this bed with Killua in his arms and think.

He was a little relieved. At least he'd kept his mind from wandering to the darker places, like the fact that his dream had been a distinct possibility at one point, even though he didn't want to admit it. He had sunken once into that dark place of believing he was weak and useless, but luckily for him, before he could tumble any further into the depths of despair, Killua arrived in his airship with his sister.

Gon was convinced from that moment on that Killua had impeccable timing.

Killua didn't know much about where his thoughts had led him, of course. The only thing Gon had told Killua was that he had been missing him, which he was. It was by no means a lie, but it certainly hadn't been the truth.

He had missed Killua badly, but he hadn't missed him. It didn't help that every time he saw the white haired male he was reminded of those words he'd said.

_It's not like it matters to you anyway._

Gon cringed even now thinking of them. That had been a bad time for everyone. Every Hunter that had been involved with the Chimera Ant mission beared scars from it, whether physical or mental or emotional.

Sometimes Gon wished he could turn back time and relive it, all of it.

Maybe if he did, things would have turned out differently.

Of course, he couldn't help but feel like it all would have been hell no matter what he did similarly or differently.

If maybe he'd ran away when he was told to.

If maybe he'd tried a more noble way of avenging Kite rather than just going full out. Rather than letting his emotions take control of him.

He would have lost so much. He could have. He was just lucky. Too lucky.

Honestly, sometimes, he thought Killua was a saint for everything he'd done for Gon, for everything he put up with and forgave. And in the end, he still loved him. Gon was definitely beyond lucky, and he deserved nothing more than what Killua wanted to give him.

Turning his gaze up to the window, where the moon shined through, Gon sat up. Killua's head fell back on the pillow, gently, as the white haired male turned sleepily away from him.

He wanted to do something for Killua though. He wanted to show Killua that he truly had all of Gon. He wanted to show Killua that everything that had ever happened had led up to this and that Gon loved him with his entirety.

He hadn't ever said it. He realized that now, and he wanted to make it clear.

He wanted to shout to the world and anyone listening that he loved Killua. With all of him. With every bone and every inch of flesh, with every drop of strength and every ounce of blood, Gon loved Killua Zoldyck.

He didn't know what he could do to declare that. He couldn't just tell him. There was a chance, he realized suddenly, that no matter what he did to confess this undying love, Killua wouldn't believe him. But Gon had a plan.

Well, Gon had the beginnings of a plan, and that was good enough. Gon's plans were pretty good. Or, scratch that, Gon's plans were lucky, and he was going to need all of the luck in the world.

He'd definitely need a few things, and he would have to get Alluka involved. He knew she'd do it without question. She loved her brother almost as much as Gon did, and neither of them wanted Killua to be sad, in any way, so if Alluka thought that Gon could and would make her brother happy, she would help.

She would be great to use for the plan.

Once he figured out what the plan was, of course.

And he still needed to ask her to be apart of it, after he came up with the plan.

Gon laid back down and pulled Killua against him once more. He buried his face once more in that plush white hair.

He didn't know how Killua would react to the plan, he hoped he would appreciate it.

If Gon even had a clue what they would do. He'd probably take him for a picnic somewhere and do it there. Or take him to that movie he'd been talking about. Gon knew he wanted to see it. Killua had been ranting about how much it was going to suck, but Gon recognized the look of 'I want to watch this to see how bad it is and laugh at it' in his eyes.

He could also make Killua something to eat.

That was it.

He could get Alluka to drag Killua around town a bit while he gathered everything he needed.

Or he could make the food  _with_ Killua. That was a possibility.

He could make Mito's vanilla cake, and not because it would make the kitchen smell like Killua, but because Gon knew that Killua really loved that cake. Both of the times he'd been over, Mito had made it, and Gon couldn't help but notice that complete look of bliss after each bite.

He smiled to himself, curling himself closer around Killua, breathing in his scent deeply.

Killua would love it, and Gon knew the recipe for the cake like the back of his hand.

He wouldn't need Alluka for this. It had been a good idea, but he could do it alone. He was going to confess to Killua in a kitchen filled with his scent, preferably while they both ate a slice of cake.

It was the best idea he'd ever had, next to taking the Hunter's Exam and looking for his father.

He just didn't know how he was going to say it.

 _Hey, Killua, I love you_ didn't cut it. It was too casual. Too common.

 _I'm in love with you_ felt like too much.

He just wasn't sure how he could do this in a way that screamed "Gon and Killua."

 _Wow, Killua! This cake is delicious, but I love you way more!_ No.

Gon frowned once again and found his gaze directed to the window.

There had to be a good way to say it that wasn't cliché. It couldn't just be those three words because they didn't express him correctly, and Killua could take them the wrong way. Because come on, it wasn't like he hadn't said 'Killua I love you so much you're the best' before.

Even if that was taken out of context and directly referred to a time where Killua had given him some of his chocolate.

He needed something that wasn't too flowery and wasn't too plain. He needed something that would tumble easily and seem natural and maybe even accidental.

He could think of scenario after scenario of thousands of different ways in which he could say it, and he wanted it to come naturally.

He felt like that would be where he problem lied. He had planned the entire thing, but he wanted the confession to be natural.

No wonder he was having a problem.

When Killua confessed, he didn't have this much problem. Sure, when Killua confessed the white haired male had been in a life or death situation and it had just slipped out as a  _crap I'm going to die, let this be known before I go_ situation.

The truth was, even though they had been meant to be last words, Killua had said it beautifully. Gon didn't want his to be lackluster compared to them.

'Gon, I didn't want to go before telling you this, but I have loved you with every part of me for a long time,' or something along those lines.

Gon could echo them, he realized, smile returning.

 _Killua,_ he could say,  _I didn't want the cake to be done before saying this, but I love you with every piece of me._

He frowned again. He really shouldn't mention the cake when he was declaring his undying love for his best friend.

A part of him just wanted to scream it out right now without the pressure. He just wanted to shout 'Killua! You're amazing and I love you!'

If Killua was asleep, that probably wouldn't turn out very well, but if he wasn't. If he wasn't, Killua would have a very relieved and happy Gon on his hands, and Gon wasn't sure if Killua knew how to deal with that yet.

Sure, he'd dealt with happy Gon a lot, but Gon was pretty sure he'd never dealt with a happy Gon who was actually aware of how much he loved him.

There was a piece of him that was suddenly thankful for the dream. He was glad the dream had woken him up and spurred his mind on. Even though the dream hadn't been the happiest, he couldn't call it a nightmare because it wasn't scary, it was sobering, really.

It was sobering to know that he still had a little bit of that left inside him. It was sobering to know that even after all the good that had happened, after all of the happiness he had felt with Killua and Alluka and slowly trying the deliberate method of developing Nen, he still had that feeling of 'everyone would be better off if I wasn't here.'

It had haunted him once before, on a dark night on Whale Island. That little voice of doubt had crept inside his head and whispered all of those things in his head.

He hadn't heard it in a while, but there was always that worry he had that it would come back. That it would come back and scream in his ear and tell him everything he didn't want to hear. And he would believe it, because that voice was persuasive. Probably because it sounded so much like his own.

He tore his gaze away from the window and closed his eyes.

There it was. There was that dark path that he hadn't wanted to go down.

He almost wished that Killua was awake, and that Killua could hear his thoughts. Not only would it make the confession easier, but then Killua could help him. And he knew Killua could because he knew that sometimes Killua had similar problems and troubles with that loud persuasive voice.

Gon reached out. His hand hovered for a moment over Killua's arm as he opened his eyes and looked at it carefully.

He wouldn't tell Killua that he loved him, that could wait for another time.

What couldn't wait was this growing feeling of... void in his chest. And he knew that Killua could help him.

He knew that they could have a quiet conversation that would help him turn off his brain and get him to sleep.

He almost let his hand fall.

But what did Killua get out of this?

From the way Gon saw it, Killua got woken up in the middle of the night to quiet someone else's brain because it wouldn't shut up.

Gon moved his hand away and rolled onto his other side.

That was right. Gon would be the only one benefiting. Maybe, maybe if he could turn his thoughts. Maybe if he thought about Killua some more.

Killua's eyes, Killua's hair, Killua's legs. Any of it.

Just god, he didn't want to think about Killua's lips. To think about how soft they must be. How they might feel against his own. How pliant they might be, if they would open for him, or if they would dominate him.

He tried not to think about Killua's lips. Pointedly, of Killua's lips on his neck. The thing was, he didn't know exactly how Killua might kiss there. He could bite, suck, or simply press his lips to the skin.

Gon would be okay with any of that really, and this train of thought only managed to remind him of his last problem, before he got distracted all over again.

Then he got an idea.

He knew exactly how he would be able to tell Killua. He knew exactly when and where.

He could do it right now.

He didn't know why it seemed like such a good idea, but it did. To tell Killua he loved him by the light of the moon while they both lie wrapped up in blankets and warm.

And he knew what he would say too.

Because it was casual, and it was clever, and it weighed heavily on his tongue.

Gon turned back over, and for a moment he wondered if Killua was bothered by how much he had been moving around tonight.

But he was restless, so there was that.

When he reached out this time, there was no lingering doubt in his mind. Maybe it was because he felt like Killua wouldn't be getting woken up for no reason. Maybe it was because he felt like Killua was getting something out of this.

When he set his hand down on the pale arm, he noticed how cold it was, from being out of the blanket, but he shoved the thought aside as he heaved himself up and glanced down at Killua.

His eyes were closed, and suddenly, Gon didn't want to wake him. He seemed so at peace, it just felt like it would be wrong if he did.

So Gon froze, his mind at war as he contemplated the godlike being asleep in front of him.

He could wake him and tell him that he loved him and tell him everything.

Or he could let him sleep and tell him in the morning when he woke up, though no doubt Gon would forget the clever opening line he'd come up with if he did.

Not that it mattered. Killua just looked so peaceful.

Gon couldn't help himself, he reached out and tucked a little bit of Killua's bangs behind his ear, letting his fingers lace through the silky hair and brush over the porcelain skin.

And Killua didn't show any signs of waking up, which meant one of two things. Killua really was asleep and didn't notice, or Killua had woken up but recognized that it was Gon's hand and didn't mind at all that the tan male had touched him.

Gon kind of wished the latter was the case.

Gon withdrew his hand and laid back down, his eyes closing once more as his arm hitched over Killua's waist. He felt like he could sleep, and that whatever dream he had would be a good one. He felt like he could quiet his mind and that when he woke up tomorrow, it would be a good day.

He could still use the line of course; he had a feeling he would remember it. And he would use it while he and Killua made the cake.

He could see many different ways it could go, but he was almost certain Killua would blush.

He found himself wondering that. Just because it was almost certain.

Would Killua blush if he told him that he loved him?

Would he smile? Would he give no reaction? 

Gon sighed, because now his mind was moving all over again, and he really just wanted to get to sleep already.

But he also wanted to know. He wanted to know how Killua would react.

He wanted to know if it would be a good thing or a bad thing. He wanted to know if Killua would be surprised or if he already knew. If he already knew, Gon wanted to know how he knew before Gon did.

But most of all, Gon wanted to know why it took him so long to realize that he really, deeply loved Killua Zoldyck.

Without thinking, Gon reached out.


End file.
